The King Stay the King

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 23:36:31 GMT

Waking earlier and earlier. I thought: when it comes how will I look over and see her and not show it? How do I do this?

In the event I was in jail on the night one year after you died. Not an unfamiliar place to find myself although never one this nice before.

Now you've been dead longer than you were with me. Soon you'll have been dead longer than you were here. Every night you fade and it becomes stronger: lost love / victim / odd couple and that's time I guess turning you gone into a story instead of a girl

V be strong: for me, for you. I would say for everyone but there are times when I could just

I don't know

shrink the world down to this bubble and I would be happy

Well. For a little while. I am not the solitude and contemplation type.

Council weaker / Norwich now I understand / L translating into retard / bank / the trial / volunteers / the axe / the other trial / the future / the future / and I am not who I was that year ago not since she you showed me this flesh is no more than whatever it is and I saw

saw the throne and no face just the mind behind

on the way back in London I stopped and had a cheeseburger. Fuck me, English burgers are bad.

Why I am in jail and why I ought to be in jail

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 09:45:50 GMT

BASSANIO

And I beseech you
Wrest once the law to your authority:
To do a great right, do a little wrong;
And curb this cruel devil of his will.

PORTIA

It must not be; there is no power in Venice
Can alter a decree established:
'Twill be recorded for a precedent;
And many an error, by the same example,
Will rush into the state: it cannot be.

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 20:54:52 GMT

Went about as well as could be expected.

Another dusted and this time it was bad somehow like: talking mercy talking redemption and forgiveness. But for an old soldier who served under A? No. The knife for you, boy, to add just 1% to her chance.

Good math by me.

But still.

Announcement -- hardest thing I've ever done, but played well. People are mad and I don't blame them. But back into the swing soon: you need me / it doesn't stop / life twentyfour hours a day.

Need to know B's price.

Too much blue in that room for my comfort.

Most nights for the last however when I awoke first thing was a stab of loneliness: A gone, the smell of smoke for a moment, and then a little turn, and if I saw her it was -

so still: this feeling of

I don't know

protectiveness / possessiveness?

But now: wherever you are, I can't help you, and it's been too long since I've heard your voice and that letter is on its hundredth reading and ...

lover come back to me

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 23:31:35 GMT

There on the floor by the door and right away I knew, right away the empty feeling, sinking in the pit of my stomach. I had that premonition from the moment I got back / leaning down / bottling it up / telling you what needed to be said / do what has to be done / I'll live / there's time / someday / and sometimes I know ...

You can always tell a goodbye kiss.

So much to do: L / Striges / Eve / 1E / all of it, and you know what I want to do is just appoint Jack Daniels as Deputy Chancellor and lie here and remember you.

And no matter that it hurts still at the core of it is pride because it wasn't supposed to be possible but you did it, so strong, stronger than I ever was, and I'm so fucking proud of you.

Sitting here looking at her/you always used to say you and it looks like if I put out my hand it would touch smooth skin, soft hair

and I could live with that because there was vengeance and justice and the drive to do the right thing. But this is the right thing. And now we just have to survive our reward.

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 23:36:27 GMT

Ohhhh boy.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 22:46:43 GMT

The usual.

First big team op: A coming on side, S independent, CT reliable, MJ not sure. D = WTF? J uncertain. AU good as far as he goes. Sort out Birmingham for the confidence boost. C inclined to take sides: control the terms of the debate to prevent possible appearance of bias.

The problem with deciding to do something *for* someone is that if you care enough about that person to do it for them, you probably don't think whatever you're doing is good enough.

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 23:30:24 GMT

Stupid stupid stupid letting the beast speak through me? Maybe that's what it was but I don't think it's separate like that. It was just the game, the facts and no more patience to bear their smug bullshit crying about how unfairly I treat the V. Not angry, just tired. Tired of pretending. T all mad but he can go cry; I can't always keep it up, can't always do that. They wanted me to *feel* -- well, what I feel is hate.

So I talk to the new guy and send the men off to deal with him and tomorrow I'll put on the pin like a talisman and go to talk to him, but for now the sun will find me hidden away. In your arms.

I have to be careful -- you're more than the one I turn to when being me gets to be too much for me, more than comfort. And yes, it is good: that you care for me not in spite of being the killer or because of being the killer, but just ... because. So, don't forget. Don't forget why it is. Make sure you know too. Next week, maybe.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 17:44:02 GMT

Well, can't take *that* back. Not that I want to but I'm used to playing out a string, not committing until it looks like a dead cert either way and this? This is not that.

I think I have been more frightened in my life a few times: Dixon / dying / Ani / incoming / Claudius and the sceptre, yeah, one or two. Because I really did trust that this was just a game / test / whatever.

More frightened but never in more pain.

So somehow after that it all felt clear and a little empty, like she proved to me that the body wasn't mine, that I was just a brain in this meat machine, like S? -- final breakthrough before hopping on to the MT railroad or what the fuck ever.

(Why do they send me these fucking things? Is this even English? I wish to God I could trust C. Wish I had someone to give it all to I *knew* could make sense of it. FA even. Cunt.)

Off point. So, clear and tired and empty, nothing but hunger and the facts, and so I said it. And then she did too and then she kissed me and then she left. And I just sat there, taking in everything.

And when I went outside, it was Valentine's Day shit everywhere like being hit with a hammer, saying remember last time Danny remember what you said then and how it ended and how could you do that how could you do that to me and how could you do that to someone else? Brain in a meat machine lawgiver last another one Russia mother God Danny your blood is sick with madness and you told her anyway like a curse. And I skidded, almost hit my head on the lamppost and a woman asked me if I was OK, and for a moment all I wanted was to tear her throat out but I said ha ha these icy pavements and she smiled and nodded and tried not to hurry up so much I'd notice.

But I know that saying it or not isn't the problem it's feeling it and if I felt it I might as well say it since keeping silent only hurts in the time we have. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna spend that Saturday like I spent her birthday thinking how the Big Dramatic Gesture is really spoiled by being able to live through it.

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 10:49:26 GMT

Bad, oh bad, but God the rush. What if she knows? I mean, seemed to understand, but so dangerous, that feeling of power. Or maybe not -- maybe do it like that and it's a safety valve, won't do it for serious? I don't know.

Work -- good, pretty good, got the big night coming up, so have to make sure the floor is Hoovered and the punchbowl is full and all the announcements are made and so on. I just know some sissy is gonna complain about the blessing. More and more sick of these guys, like oh no that's dangerous! Open your eyes motherfucker -- what do you think we *are*? Only accept that shit from VM, she suffered for it, not in denial.

Doesn't stop her being a pain in the ass about it, though.

MB/Z -- what the hell?

And what is all this stuff about the Adversary? Everybody's the Adversary now. It's like Spartacus up in this motherfucker.

How weird that we're working together so well after a talk that *should* have torn us apart? Like the strain of keeping things mum so that we could get along was really getting in the way of us getting along.

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 03:28:12 GMT

- Some things you can't put down on paper even here where no one will ever see it.

- That said: feels good. Scary bad, but scary good, and just good to be trusted.

- Everything else = 2nd best but still to deal with

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 08:50:24 GMT

F: Yeah, what I needed, the outsider's perspective for sure. Only problem = too smart which sounds like it's not a flaw but it can be when used to being the smartest kid in the class. Make time to teach basics, after all I owe a lot and I always pay my debts when anyone's looking.

Local T: aaaaah what the fuck but on the other hand a good point: what if I am shorting A? Talked to the kid when I went to visit E. So did G, so did C. Taking more interest / learning / growing: I'm gonna have to start being religious? Maybe I should ask:

Other T: why this nervousness / should be fun / no consequences, but somehow feels like an exam to pass into the next class and anyway this thing with outsiders = man what. Recruit some of the boys for security maybe, make them feel useful. Could actually *be* useful.

Jesus another T: fishing. No way in hell I'm taking lumps for failing to be J's fucking dad. Need to pony up and fast = sometimes a warning shot is a favor if you really forgot you were still flying that pirate flag

E: good. Steady.

VT: fuck you

Biggest surprise of the evening: E's #2, H. Expected some googoo bullshit and yeah she's a bit of a googoo but then so am I so what. More like: didn't expect to be a googoo with some fire / clearly angry about before / turn that into doing the work -- think she caught me sizing her up though

G: good. I don't know what else to say: smart / capable / sad in some ways / careful careful careful and weird the way I still get possessive, laugh when V says that stuff about me but maybe it's true. I wonder if you can get a good price on one of those turbans with the big old plume. But yeah, long story short I like the kid, yes sir.

And V.

Yeah. Scary / sweet / intoxicating and long hours where I don't remember either reason to say SLOW SLOW SLOW and the water cooling but still warm as we rushed that edge and pulled up braking at the last minute not saying what local T was all too ready to.

I don't know if I can say that or maybe more like I don't know if I can mean it, not mean it like people mean it in movies and songs and stuff. I guess I could mean it in a different way, just like I've had to have a different way political and economically and religiously and and and it's a function of who I am now and what's wrong with that?

But what is that new way?

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:07:06 GMT

1) The airport. Good: they fall. Good: get to look good to guys like Thibs and Finn by passing on the word before anyone else. Bad: why wasn't I informed? C deliberately keeping shit from me? No. Mac? Maybe, just to make a point that sometimes I don't tell her shit she feels like she needs to know? Maybe and also maybe it's a fair point. Anyway, good now. Would have liked to be boots on the ground, I suppose, but then I guess that's what you get -- and I wouldn't have wanted to miss talking to V anyway, about which more in a moment.

2) Z. Stupid, and it would have been great if they'd ashed him, but I guess you can't hope for everything. Still, nothing to worry about now except keeping C on message. Call off your dogs and I'll call of mine: motherfucker you got no dogs any more.

3) M. Fuck me that was bad. Wish to fuck I had Mac's cold blood, because pretty sure everybody could see I was bricking it when that bitch walked into the room, and then the one-two punch: It's not her / oh OK / no actually it's HER instead / AAAAAAHHH EVEN WORSE

And Mac's gonna set up some kind of zoo for these people? Well, whatever, but I'd better start preparing to prove I didn't have shit to do with it.

4) A: finding a pair. But this clan shit is pure nonsense. Seriously, who even cares about that shit in real life; no one pays attention to it or enforces it because there's no need to, everyone gets on fine anyway. But hey, he should have some practice for brain work if he's going to do more important jobs, so let him do this one -- if he does good, good for him, and if he screws up, no big deal.

5) V.

I was a little worried about the gift -- too much? Too hokey? But I guess she liked it. Good. The way she came back in; sweetest I've ever seen her be with me in public. Sober at least. Not because of the value -- but I remembered. And part of me: how sad is that, how fucked up, that the idea that someone might care about you like that moves you like that? And part of me: glad, because the minimum level of tenderness toward someone else is about what I can aspire to. Not like I'm gonna be making her life so great.

Wanting to change the rules: interesting. Do I want to? I don't know. Maybe. But I hurt Ani so badly trying to be that guy, wishing I was him and then turning out just to be me. Being afraid she would never love the me guy. And now everything I want to say to her, everything I wish I could undo, knowing that even the Big Dramatic Gesture is blocked out by the work.

So, no rule: respect and trust. Respect I can do. I suspect the second part is going to be the challenge.

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 01:41:06 GMT

Quick:

G: ohhhh careful. Good kid though.

F: I guess we're about to see.

C/EM: Goddamnit why do I have to do everything around here.

V: ...

TF: Panicky but I don't blame her. Other thing nice.

NE G: twat.

MVD: Man, that's rare. Basically the dude I want to be but did he succeed where I failed or did he have more advantages like being her childe? Weird to feel so proud, not an instinct that I thought I had: this is the hand that's shaken the hand that's shaken the hand of the founder.

Man, this hosting shit though. Hurts. Tapped out. Cops tapped. Money tapped. So hungry.

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 01:14:11 GMT

Most popular guy in the outfit all of a sudden, or at least anywhere but in my own home. Short recap:

F: the thing I don't get is why M would send dude to me I mean obviously I think I'll bring the young blood up proper but equally obviously M and I don't see eye to eye and *specifically* one of the things he doesn't like about me is how I educate the young. Of course, that was before the thing, so maybe his attitude has changed? Fucked if I know. Seems smart/cocky/suave/me at that age?

J: ohhhhh boy C wasn't kidding. Man is deep hurting. Fucking sad in that club: look at me, I'm a rock star / beautiful women / my motorbike / love me, love me, love me. And somebody should, too. He's right: I let him down / I left him alone / I don't back him up. Work on that. Get him in on the new guy. Remember the LT, the way he carried that shit. Feels like welfare now.

V: it's very nice, and I'm not talking about that, I just mean to sit and talk and the way she sometimes gets it, which is rare among people. Head on my shoulder, nature shows on the couch, singing her a song, giving it a name, playing house: and for that moment I can just forget who she is, what I am. But the other shit I say ... do it herself? Nah. Putting me off. Getting ready to go. I won't let it hurt anyone else I won't let that happen.

and G: weird to find that in me / glad I didn't chase the red / and I mean it was good, real good, that violent catharsis. Do it again, definitely. But that's not what I'm about, and in the end I'd rather have the brains. The other thing is the other thing and that's OK.

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 23:41:09 GMT

Quick business.

T meddling. Shit, two Ts now. Local T. Is that really what they think of me? G: not a moment too fucking soon, either: pay my debts / don't know me / happy to help. And that sword off my neck, thank fuck.

Now: people who handle things are handling things. That means I need to push forward. Good. Things are moving on all fronts. This is what I do. Soon it'll all be clear.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:28:03 GMT

OK, this has to be the most fuckedup letter I've ever received, I think, and I got some kind of farewell note from an imaginary personality I created for a sleeper agent once but this thing:

- HH, a fucking LS archbishop,
- wants to know my opinion on a candidate for his own job (which he wants to leave)
- who has proposed a draft constitution
- based on my one for Cambridge, electoral procedure and all.

How the fuck do I tell him I don't think my own work is very good?

I just stuck my head out the window, but I couldn't see if like cats were lying down with dogs or if it was raining upwards or some shit like that.

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 23:03:16 GMT

Sometime around Thursday or Friday a little note in the blue book and I should have known but it was like a sledgehammer in the forehead, my dad bloody to the elbows and I almost went to my knees, God.

Saturday she would have been 26. If she'd been spared.

And I just stayed here that night, didn't go out at all, just in this little hidey hole with the handset and the draft and a loaded gun by my side and Dave sitting in the hall, worried but not, the way he is. And thinking about V burned in my mouth, saying: what are you doing, so soon after her? Didn't you care for her? All those nights she cried and you held her, soft voice in the dark, stroking her hair LIKE MOTHER DID FOR YOU, COWARD and whispering everything's going to be all right. But it wasn't, was it?

And thinking: but you were stolen from me, snatched away, and you know what, that'll happen. So every moment I can crack the cold and see that smile, that strange girl buried under the bullshit, that loneliness that touches my loneliness, that's a moment I'll take this very minute because it might be gone tomorrow. I'm sorry there wasn't any waiting, but I don't have long to dream this dream before it's taken from me, and so I'm in a hurry. And all I can do is pray you would have understood even though I know you never would have. The lesson you taught me in the street as I saw the smoke rising and felt your blood like the smoke lifting from my body and for a second the parked cars like a wall and the awful lurch of the wheel

but V. Can I believe? Troops in the staging areas / bullets in the gun / so much at stake and I want to think you're opening that door but there's so much we each keep hidden, bodies close but minds always circling, signalling. And suspicion, parrying it away and saying is that like me? Would I do that?

No, it's not like me. No, I'm not doing it. But I would. Hurting feelings bullshit, but to provoke the target into an attack I'd put that shit on the internet if I thought it'd help I just *don't* right now because this can't be construed as a vendetta. And I'd use her as a weapon if I thought it would help because I'd do anything at all to get this blade off my neck.

And then there's a moment's hesitation in her step, or the way her hair shades her eye, and for a moment it's like my sucker instinct / better nature says but wait, man, maybe. Maybe. You failed her before, April / May when that duty/love for a girl already hated you pushed you back, on that path, moment walked away from. But it's not too late. Never too late. It could be. It could be.

Or am I just playing house until the hammer falls?

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 14:06:34 GMT

1. Talking to C, list of shit to do:

- black channel calm
- upfront calm
- find Doc's guy
- find out who the hell AtVS?
- sort out J's thing before witch hunt 2!
- tool up
- talk to AF
- go to MB's stupid meet
- sort out NM (call EM? Is it a trap?)
- education survey thing, no responses yet, typical. Why are there so many S in this outfit?
- finish experiments (NEARLY THERE I CAN FUCKING FEEL IT)
- call newspaper guy w/ tip
- off to York for training

And I'm sure there's something else. Oh yeah!

- thank you note for H. Not too many thank you notes cost ten G's and have an MG mount, but what the hell I *feel* richer riding in this thing. It's fucking incredible.
- call T or Al about the trip to Douglas's thing.

OK, so. This is basically my life all the time now but it beats not having anything to think about which was pretty much all of the 70s right up to the war.

2. V

Oh man.

See here's the thing: I like to think that having been in this game for X number of years I have a pretty good grip on my own strengths and weaknesses and in this case I'm talking about weakness #2 which is wishful thinking (w #1 = the money thing which I think comes from growing up flat-ass broke or something)

and given that I think I know when I'm being told what I want to hear rather than the actual truth / all that sweetness and tenderness and there's some real to it but nobody gets that way by just making honest mistakes BUT

there are a lot of reasons for telling someone what they want to hear:

- there are feelings there and you want them to like you so you try to be what YOUR idea is of what THEY are going to find attractive, or
- you are doing a little wishful thinking yourself so you play along with their fantasy because YOU like THEIR version of who you are better than you like the actual you, or
- you are a LYING SNATCH and YOU are trying to set THEM up in some kind of honey trap.

And the thing is, right, that those first two options are totally natural = everybody does 'em pretty much all the time a little bit, like V said about Ani, like I loved the idea she had of me, or how much I was into being a 'gentleman' for JJ because I could see that was what she needed and I was flattered she saw me that way, or how much more responsible and mature I can be around L at least when I'm not butting heads with rival males.

So which is it, then? I don't know. I really don't.

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 23:15:17 GMT

V. Promised I'd write about her, yeah. V V V

Not sure what to say: like to stop falling she clung onto this one thing, and now there she hangs, like my isn't my little island great and yeah, still pulled to her, yeah. We got pretty far into the room, she said, and that's true enough, lips cold against each other's and the way she said no lies but there's always one or two, aren't there? God, her teeth in my neck, sickening fear and the way she looked when the blood came ... taking that strange joy in not drinking. Dangerous, dangerous.

Not Ani / not the same. Nothing that stilled that loss for a moment, like having your left hand doesn't mean you don't miss your right. A few moments that hurt: talking about the music / one or two others. At least I don't find her hair on my pillows, because I haven't got any fucking pillows and all her hair would be ash. I do this even though I know it would hurt her. Jesus, love, I'm sorry. You never would have understood, but it doesn't mean I don't hurt.

V ... complicated, yeah. Not just chasing tail to help forget, because there's something, yeah, but not sure what. Every now and again -- a lot less frequently than before but still so priceless -- these little glimpses beyond the bullshit, these little visions of this strange / weird / vulnerable / strong / proud / scary but also scared and hell, I don't know, at those moments I ache for Ani so much, but also not. I wonder what that means.

But yeah, V may be a lot of things but a piece of ass to chase the loneliness away she fucking ain't. Not that I'm not looking for that... still who I always was, I guess.

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:06:58 GMT

Yeah, well. Lesson learned, and the lesson is: back to the basics. Back to that thing I do that I been letting slide.

And I dream of the days when work was scrappy
And rare in our pockets the mark of the mint
When we were angry and poor and happy
And proud of seeing our names in print

Yeah. Got to get that hunger back, got too complacent.

What is power? LG$, motherfuckers.

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 16:02:15 GMT

First there was me and her and her stupid friends and now they're all gone.

And then there was me and L and SM and VS and then the kids too, although one of those kids was older than my nagymama, come to think of it, and now they're all gone, or at least mostly.

And there was me and Gabe, and let's not dwell on that.

And there was me and him, like this big disappointment in a way because the boogeyman turned out just to be this meek little guy who didn't quite understand the world around him. Kind of a letdown. But then there was me and him and his words, and all that he taught me, as much by watching how people reacted to him as by anything he said. Until he decided to just piss it all out the window, the stupid motherfucker. No one knows when to compromise; it's a lost art.

And then there was me and Ani. And now there's ... well, now there's whatever there is now.

And if we're a product of our circumstances then I'm only the man I am wherever I'm that man, whenever and with whoever, and the whoever does seem to keep changing. I once said to Big Gay Al that thing about keeping people alive, but really, who have I kept alive? Maybe it *can't* be done. Maybe I just need to accept that people come and go and look for some other thread that goes through unchanged (Four Principles is what that thread is).

A called me brother, and princes came to me to tell them what to do, and why? Because I have a loud voice and I speak well and don't fly off the handle ... much? Well, maybe, yeah. And you know what? I'm OK with that too. V was right about that for sure; if I lead, then I lead, and I don't abuse it much. That whole thing was Doc and Mac and everyone else, but it wound up being me doing the talking because those two are *smarter* than me, they know the right thing to do, but they can't get everyone to do it because they don't know how to make people listen. So I guess everyone has their own talents, which is fair enough.

There was an hour in there where I didn't miss her, and it was fucking great until I did again, and then it was pretty nasty. A moderate level of high is desirable.

Also V: some other time for thoughts on that one. Complex.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 07:45:27 GMT

Shiva would have ended yesterday if I were entitled to it which I'm not but then I'm not orthodox and neither is the situation and anyway. The point is that you start out with the torn heart and then you move into remembering that person and learning from their life, learning to live without them.

V did *not* say: pull yourself together. Which was nice of her. Been taking her for granted; got to stop.

But there is a job to do. Honestly don't know what Ani would have wanted but either way the city needs me at full steam with the 2 investigations and the politics of something like Lib Night and all the stuff that goes on beneath the carnival surface. I don't think she really loved the city, not in the same way I do, but she loved the me that did.

Time to get to work.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 19:26:17 GMT

How many nights now and how long has it been? I slept at the flat one night, and that was a bad mistake. Waking up is still hard anywhere, and so is answering the phone. Fortunately not many people have the A but when the message came in from V I thought ...

but it was good with V, good lessons. I have a certain amount to learn.

Who would have thought SM would be the guy who stood up on this? I would, but I been selling him short. C and C on the other hand, especially him. Wants something for nothing. Her -- already said it. CAREFUL.

But still everywhere around me, and I guess we don't have mourning ceremonies, funerals, like that -- when I was a kid, would have had shiva, keriyah, all that stuff, but ... I guess they were right - you can't really be Jewish alone. It's a community thing. Need to find something.

Still going to do keriyah, I guess, but it won't quite be the same. Can't do the rest because it would be neglecting duties and the war goes on.

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:34:36 GMT

All in front of me and around me the pile of these sad clues: notebook / gadget / paintings / the house / pets / all the debris of a life not lived but only imagined, aspired to. Every stupid fucking piece of frilly tat I hated when she put it there is like a punch in the teeth, like the dizzy fall to the canvas she understood but still didn't stop (thank you, thank you).

She said: she saw something in you, the old you, or thought she did -- maybe just a picture she made to help herself feel better. But as long as she believed it you loved her because that way maybe you could believe it too.

She said: I began to see what you saw. Did you? Or do you just think this is going to make me feel better? Well, thanks for caring if I feel better, anyway.

And they said: if there's anything we can do to help. Fuck yes. Take me away from this fucking house where everything looks like her and smells like her. Every stupid fucking thing she was in the middle of, the bass propped against the piano stool so she could practice to impress that fucking mouth breather and his idiot friends, eighty different kinds of makeup and moisturizer in the bathroom for a girl that would never look a day older, all her stupid frills and girly bullshit, all the stacks of her awful fucking music and the painting that doesn't quite look like her, flowers in her hair but hiding the scar on her side where the car tore into it. Just let me remember that she was beautiful and she loved me and she died unjustly because I can bear that, that's a tragic loss and I know how to deal with it, get all haunted and weird but I can't have all this bullshit around me to remind me of her flaws and scars and bad ideas because that makes her a person not a memory and I can't

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 23:16:40 GMT

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

She's gone, god, and went ready to leave me, but more than that she's gone. The summoning / she knew / no accident. Not just her, but Francine too, right?

And Nostradamus. Fuck, they even killed the hamster.

You know what caused this? When I went easy on Z and B. No more. This never happens again. You touch what's mine, you're dead your friends are DEAD your family is DEAD I will salt the fucking earth over you you bastards touch one of my people and I'll fucking dress you in mourning you hear me?

Someone's got to fucking pay. Starting with me.